Narcissists are notoriously stubborn in their refusal to apologize, which leads us to question some of the parenting advice circulating today:
Is narcissism the trend of the future?
Never say sorry?
After all, the parenting advice in question suggests that you shouldn't tell your kids to apologize. In fact, apologizing is “useless, unnecessary, and even harmful,” writes The Atlantic.
No, this new theory wasn't the creation of our coronavirus task force, but has been promoted by groups and individuals including “the wildly popular Instagram account and parenting course Big Little Feelings and Dr. Becky, the internet-appointed headmaster of the millennial parenting school,” according to The Atlantic. The magazine explains: “The ongoing argument is that telling kids to apologize is futile.”
Because it produces empty apologies; because it's unnecessary, since there are better ways to teach children to make amends; and because it's harmful, well, the charges of harm are manifold: it trains children to lie and apologize only as a formality to avoid punishment; it makes them “kinder and less thoughtful” people; it distances them from their own feelings; or it shames them into never apologizing again.
…Those who oppose mandatory apologies would generally argue that to be worthwhile, an apology must be rooted in sincere regret. They would argue that young children lack the cognitive capacity to empathize with those they have hurt, and that simply telling them to apologize does not foster empathy.
The theory's guiding principles should sound familiar, too: “It seems to suggest that parents should take their children's current or future feelings into consideration in every decision they make,” The Atlantic points out, “even if the children themselves end up hurting the feelings of others.”
It seems like a good way to raise self-absorbed princes and princesses, and it also fits with our modern penchant for emotional exaltation, a phenomenon substantiated by studies showing that modern Americans are most likely to make “moral” decisions based on “what feels right.”
Interestingly, even the liberal Atlantic magazine has cast doubt on this parenting style, writing that “the idea that apologies other than spontaneous ones have no value is not supported by research.” But if today's headlines lamenting the loss of politeness (such as “Politeness Is Now Countercultural”) are any indication, this style certainly does reflect that. And it seems to ensure that the problem is only getting worse.
Do we always prefer what is good for us?
In reality, lamenting a “hollow” formal apology misses the point. Think about the many things your child has to do that he or she probably doesn't want to do: brushing their teeth, taking a bath, doing household chores, learning math and spelling, and eating vegetables are just a few. But would you hold off on teaching them math until it's clear they're passionate about it? Would you let your child walk around in their dirt until they start to discover the joys of doing laundry?
In fact, the whole idea is to force bathing and good hygiene habits on your child until it becomes a habit. Is it the same for good behavior?
Philosopher Will Durant said, “We are what we do repeatedly.” Indeed, children's manners may be superficial at first. As the famous child psychologist Erik Erikson stated in “Stages of Psychosocial Development,” at such an early stage of development, children are not even able to understand moral principles. They only understand that something is wrong when they are punished.
First, create the frame
This very human phenomenon has long been recognized in theology: perfect repentance means sincere regret for having sinned, for having done good, for having disobeyed God. But there is also imperfect repentance, when regret is only due to fear of punishment. The former is of course ideal, but imperfect repentance is also sufficient to obtain forgiveness. After all, it is what morally immature people do, and it is far better than a stubborn refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing.
So what can we say about the “external” good behavior of a young child? It is like putting together the framework of a building, making for a while a kind of empty shell, and then gradually filling it with many beautiful things. If brought up correctly, the child will also be filled with beautiful things, but in the meantime he will acquire good moral habits, that is, virtues.
In this sense, apologizing is about humility and helps us to develop humility, which is the root of all virtue.
“Empty” shallow acts have another profound effect: a child who is forced to bathe regularly may, over time, discover that being clean feels better than being dirty and may begin to wash himself willingly and voluntarily. Similarly, a child who is repeatedly forced to be right or do good things may discover that doing good feels better than doing bad things and may begin to do good things willingly and wholeheartedly.
Teach them good manners
But even here, there is value in “imperfect contrition.” As The Atlantic put it, “especially among young children,” an apology can help children repair their relationships. It's part of teaching good manners, and good manners are paramount. And perhaps no one explained their usefulness better than the Anglo-Irish philosopher Edmund Burke.
“Manners are more important than laws,” he wrote in 1796. “Laws depend in a great measure on manners; laws affect us here and there, and sometimes; manners, like the air we breathe, operate incessantly, steadily, uniformly, and unconsciously to irritate or appease, corrupt or purify, elevate or degrade, barbarize or refine us.”
Too many children today are inhaling the fumes of fashionable nonsense justified by a soulless, soft “science” that cynically means “soul study.” This is a tragedy. As Professor Thomas Sowell said, “Every time a new generation is born it is like a little barbarian invading civilization, and it must be civilized before it is too late.” And one can only wonder:
When it is too late and the state has become unbearably corrupt, will those responsible be able to say “sorry”?
